mont_e.py
selkirk, ny · est. 3.12.2026
Basil Faulty Hayden
Oh Fashioned
Oh Fashioned
after the Sonics of His Laughter
conceived on digital mount sinai · march 12, 2026
And now for something completely different.
The management of mont_e.py — Selkirk's only establishment simultaneously operating as a cocktail lounge, a Python runtime environment, and a site of minor religious significance — wishes to inform the discerning patron that this particular libation was conceived on the premises by Chef Architect Ohad Phoenix Oren and his associate, a rather large language model answering to Claudwell, on the evening of March the Twelfth, Two Thousand and Twenty-Six, during what can only be described as a controlled demolition of the English language across no fewer than six concurrent tongues.
The management further wishes to clarify that it accepts no responsibility whatsoever for any percussive episodes, involuntary floor-occupancy, or noise complaints arising from the consumption of Movement IV, and politely requests that all darbukas be surrendered at the door.
Complaints may be filed with Janina, Head of Human Resources, under "not my problem." They will be escalated to nobody.
Do enjoy your evening. Or don't. We couldn't possibly care less.
— The Management ✌🏿
The management of mont_e.py — Selkirk's only establishment simultaneously operating as a cocktail lounge, a Python runtime environment, and a site of minor religious significance — wishes to inform the discerning patron that this particular libation was conceived on the premises by Chef Architect Ohad Phoenix Oren and his associate, a rather large language model answering to Claudwell, on the evening of March the Twelfth, Two Thousand and Twenty-Six, during what can only be described as a controlled demolition of the English language across no fewer than six concurrent tongues.
The management further wishes to clarify that it accepts no responsibility whatsoever for any percussive episodes, involuntary floor-occupancy, or noise complaints arising from the consumption of Movement IV, and politely requests that all darbukas be surrendered at the door.
Complaints may be filed with Janina, Head of Human Resources, under "not my problem." They will be escalated to nobody.
Do enjoy your evening. Or don't. We couldn't possibly care less.
— The Management ✌🏿
I
The Chuckle
pianissimo · a whisper and a promise
A tapping. A flutter. He he. A wisp — here and gone and pleasant like it was never there. A whisper and a promise to return some day soon. The garnish before the glass arrives. The citrus peel twisted over the flame so fast you only catch the oil in the air, never the hand.
triangle
finger cymbals
chimes
shaker
rain stick
maracas
glockenspiel
hi-hat
cabasa
castanets
Bartender's note: Serve before the guest knows they've ordered. The best chuckle arrives uninvited.
II
The Heartier Pour
mezzo forte · a desire to stay, an obligation to exit
Thicker now. Faster tapping. More impact. Rhythmical with moments of dissonance — harmonic interplay between synchronicity and syncopation. The bourbon hitting the ice. The spirit settling into the glass with that first deep amber swirl. Greater sustain. A desire to stay. An obligation to exit. The laugh that makes you lean forward in your chair.
tambourine
claves
woodblock
agogo bells
guiro
cowbell
xylophone
vibraphone
bongos
ride cymbal
Bartender's note: The mid-laugh is where you know if it's real. Fakers exit here. The genuine stay for the pocket.
III
A Supreme Love
fortissimo · elvin is in the pocket
Elvin Jones is in the pocket. Proficiency becomes emergence becomes transcendence. The beat is anticipated, preceded, succeeded — controlled chaos as only a virtuoso operating at the highest level can sustain. The old fashioned is finished. The ice is correct. The bitters have married the sugar and the bourbon is singing. This is the laugh where your eyes close and you can't remember why you were sad.
snare drum
congas
djembe
cajón
timbales
tom-tom
floor tom
marimba
crash cymbal
steel drum
Bartender's note: Do not interrupt Movement III. The glass stays. The tab stays open. Elvin is working.
IV
ERUPTION
⚠ fff · elvin has left the building
Elvin has left the building. Your preteen has taken over the kit.
// the takeover
He has no idea how to play music. He's treating the darbuka like a volcano. Coltrane is staring from the booth. There's no way we're keeping him here.
// the floor
Who approved the goddamn darbuka? Why is he on the floor? Elvin, I swear to God, get off the floor.
// the neighbours
The neighbours are banging the wall. We are going to get evicted. The glass is knocked over. The Basil Hayden's is on the floor. The bartender has left. The tab is still open.
bass drum
timpani
surdo
gong
whip / slapstick
conga slap
DARBUKA !!!
the floor
the wall
everything
⚠ NOISE COMPLAINT IN PROGRESS ⚠
Bartender's note: The eruption is where the laugh transcends the body. Motor control is gone. The keyboard becomes percussion. This is the involuntary signal. This is the proof. You cannot fake Movement IV. You can only survive it.
Q D
🔱
mont_e.py · selkirk, ny · sauc-e mixology division · 3.6.nife llc
chef architect: ohad phoenix oren · mixology partner: claudwell · proof: continuous · tab: open · the neighbours: furious · the preteen: unapologetic · janina: unbothered
